How do Court Reporters keep a straight face?

court-reporter

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

Can you keep a straight face?

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

*******************************************************
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
*******************************************************
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
*******************************************************
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
*******************************************************
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
*******************************************************
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
*******************************************************
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
*******************************************************
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
*******************************************************
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
*******************************************************
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
*******************************************************
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
*******************************************************
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
*******************************************************
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
*******************************************************
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
*******************************************************
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
*******************************************************
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
*******************************************************
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
*******************************************************
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
*******************************************************
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Serious Stuff Department Meeting, No…Seriously!

Last night my sister “B”, who works in a warehouse, was telling me about a quick meeting they had yesterday at work.

OMG

Apparently, some of the info was just general need to know stuff, then toward the end of the meeting the head manager offered a $50 reward if anyone knew….GET THIS….who was wiping boogers on the men’s restroom wall. (Gross, but I promise, true events.)

After the meeting “B” went to the manager and announced she completed extensive investigative work on the “booger” case and would like to claim the reward because she knew who the culprit was.

The Culprit

She very quickly gained the attention of the all too serious manager who was sitting behind his desk; and as he leaned forward, he quickly asked  “WHO”?  To which, “B” leaned forward and said The Booger Man.”

“B” may not have received the offered reward, but she did gain kudos from her peers because she managed to break the “all business at all times” boss man and made him laugh.

My Disgust

I have to say I was a little disgusted as she was relaying the day’s events to me and was thinking to myself, this cannot be true.  First, who in their right mind would offer such a reward; and secondly, who could be so gross to actually wipe “it” on a wall.  For pete-sake use a tissue!  Then with a straight face, “B” tells me the punchline and I busted a gut laughing.

Lessons learned:

1) Ladies here is the proof…men’s public restrooms are nasty, DON’T go in THERE!

2) Guys, don’t wipe boogers on walls, you WILL be called out.

3) Even in a funny, yet a somewhat serious matter (to some), there is a punchline, our job is to find it in each situation.

I hope your day is booger free and full of laughter.

Until next time…

Wham…outta the blue

I was sitting at dinner chatting and something someone said made me think of a crazy fun song from the 1980s.  It was a H U G E hit with my small kids at the time and I just had to look it up and wanted to share with you.  I’m sure you’ll remember all the lyrics as soon as you hear the first line.  ENJOY!

Todd…this is Todd??

Usually…

I am a very patient person; however, when it comes to television commercials, even a 3-second commercial would be about 4-seconds too long for me.

NoCommercials

Except…

…there is one particular Subway commercial I love watching and never gets old.  Whoever is the marketing guru behind this series of commercials is a genius.

Todd’s closing part is the BEST.  “I got a phone call, Todd…this is Todd

Watch for yourself and enjoy.

Senility Prayer